The Penguin Guide: The Do’s and Don’ts of Penguin Care

Congratulations! If you are reading this, it is likely because you are now the owner of your very first penguin! As you must know, Penguins are a group of aquatic flightless birds living almost exclusively in the Southern Hemisphere.  Contrary to popular belief, penguins do not only reside in cold climates such as those in Antarctica, and they can be found in South Africa, Australia and even on some temperate islands near the equator.  Penguins spend about half their lives in the ocean and over time their wings have evolved into flippers, making them excellent swimmers, but also permanently impeding their flying abilities. Penguins often prefer to inhabit desert regions and rocky islands where there are not a large number of land predators, so their incapacity to fly is not an issue.

Penguin domestication is quite rare, mostly because penguins prefer to be with other penguins and not with people, but recently more and more penguins have felt the need to venture away from their families and cozy homes in order to see the rest of the world and experience new adventures.  With penguin traffic increasing in numerous parts of the world, APCAFB together with the People for the Ethical Treatment of Penguins (PETP) and the Independent Association for Travelling Penguins (IATP) has set up protective measures to ensure the safety of our penguins.  Through boarding homes and hostels, exchange programs, foster systems and adoption programs, APCAFB and it’s affiliates have helped thousands of little penguins become better acquainted with their new surroundings.  If you have been an accepted as an approved penguin caregiver, this guide is to help you understand how to take care of your penguin and to teach you all the ins and outs of living life as an aquatic flightless bird owner.

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The Do’s and Don’ts of Penguin Care

  • You may cuddle, hug, squeeze your penguin.
  • You may take your penguin on wild adventures.
  • You may bring your penguin in a plane. Your penguin will likely love the plane, as penguins are flightless and long to be in the air like other birds.
  • You make take your penguin fishing. Penguins are excellent fisherguins.  You may not use your penguin as fish bait.
  • You may drink with your penguin and party with your penguin. Your penguin may not have a high tolerance to alcohol, so please be careful when engaging in penguin party-like behavior.  Please do not peer pressure your penguin.
  • You may take selfies with your penguin. Penguins are very photogenic.
  • You may introduce your penguin to your other pets. Please do not let your pets use your penguin as a chew toy.  Your pets may not hump your Penguin.
  • You may play music for your penguin.  Penguins like most music, but do not appreciate country because they feel like only singing about beer, trucks, ladies and the “back road” is a sad waste of musical talent.  Your penguin may not tell you this, as they only speak penguin, but they are thinking it.
  • You may watch television with your penguin.

Are Penguins Food?

No. They are not.

  • You may dine with your penguin.  Penguins enjoy krill, fish, squid and other types of sealife.  They also enjoy sushi and the occasional Taco Bell.
  • You may not eat your penguin. Please do not cook your penguin.
  • Your penguin is not to be baked, broiled, barbequed or boiled.
  • You may not roast your penguin or cook it over an open fire.
  • Please do not baste or blanch your penguin or blend your penguin into other tasty meals.
  • Your penguin is not to be fried, filleted or flambéd.
  • Please do not wrap your penguin in bacon, or dip your penguin into tasty sauces.
  • You are not to glaze your penguin, grill your penguin, or garnish it with decorative lemon slices, parsley or other forms of ornamental food items.
  • Do not cook your penguin on a cedar plank, or any other form of wooden board.
    Please do not chop, julienne, pare, peel or mince your penguin.
  • Do not marinate your penguin.
  • Please do not try to sauté, sear or stew your penguin.
  • You may not microwave your penguin or place it in a toaster oven.
  • You may not bake your penguin into any form of baked goods.
  • You may not, under any circumstances, prepare your penguin in such a way that your behavior indicates that you may consume the penguin as food.
  • You are not to chew or digest your penguin.
  • Your penguin is not to be put into a position where it finds any part of its aquatically flightless body in and around your mouthal area.
  • You may also not eat your penguin raw; partly because it’s unethical and weird but mostly because it would likely not taste very good.
  • If you are ever to find yourself in a position where you are alone and injured and must resort to cannibalism in order to survive, please eat your friends or your own limbs instead of your penguin.  Your penguin likely does not have enough nutrients to sustain you in a situation such as that.

Please remember that penguins are our friends. They are not snacks. If at some point during your penguin ownership you feel the need to consume your penguin, it is recommended that you join the Penguin Subgroup of the Fish are Friends Not Food Support Group, who meet every Wednesday at 7 p.m. Coffee and doughnuts are provided. You may also call the Support Hot Line at 1-866-Do-Not-Eat.

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One response to “The Penguin Guide: The Do’s and Don’ts of Penguin Care

  1. Pingback: Penguin Facts: What you need to know | The Association for the Protection of Aquatically Flightless Birds·

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